So if you’ve read along for just a little while here, or better yet, if you’re a neighbor or local realtor, you’re probably at least liminally aware that we’ve got a For Sale sign in our parking strip (turns out, that’s what it’s called, that odd little bit of land between the sidewalk and the street that confuses everyone from landscapers to skateboarders. Lauren Springer Ogden aptly calls it a hell strip. But I digress). With simple Sherlockian deductions, you might easily conclude that we (the family that lives in the house whose yard bears the for sale sign) are selling our home.
Well, yeah! We’re trying, anyway.
Want to Play The Realty Game? (Or Should We Say…The Alternate Reality Game?)
This little reality, its shadow cast by the realty sign in our front hell strip, may seem inconsequential and benign. We might even look like just another four bedroom two and a half bath statistic. Harmless and boring. But. I beg to differ. I feel morally compelled to differ. Notice the wanky tilt of our realty sign. It portends…something. Implies tremors. I assert that in entering the world of realty, we became players in a suburban Cautionary Tale. Cautioning against what I’m not entirely sure. But our realty escapade has been so Epic, I’m sure there’s Meaning in it. A Moral at least.
For this reason, I have decided to Raise A Warning Voice. It doesn’t matter so much what I warn against…the important thing is just to, you know, Raise the Voice. Right here on my blog. Which blog is read fairly consistently by at least a half dozen people (including my mother….thank you, dearly beloveds). And though none of us around here (barring, perhaps, Sara Urry) are Mavens, I feel certain somehow that my words, however I direct them, could have a powerful, rippling Effect. I’m beginning to think Raising the Voice may be my Reason For Existence.
Go Ahead, Darling. Sell. But “Fasten Your Seat Belt; it’s Going To Be a Bumpy Night”.
(Bette Davis, “All About Eve”). Just to be clear, my Warning Voice/Cautionary Tale is not raised against Selling Houses, nor even realty in general. Not necessarily. I still (after all) think selling houses might be an ok idea. Indeed, if you think you’re up for a slapstick circus that will rival anything Tim Burton could dream up, go ahead and put a for sale sign in front of your house. In your hell strip. With my blessings, and with my respect. But be cautioned. If your hands tremble at the thought of earthquakes, black holes, nuclear meltdowns, riots, coups, croup, or hair in your soup, perhaps you should think twice about selling your home.
You need to be up for it, is what I’m saying. Up for the realty game and its alternate realities. Up for the confidence quashing trek through staging, showing, feedback (!), offers, counter offers, contracts, addendums, inspections, appraisals, upheavals, withdrawals, more addendums. Painter’s tape, sawdust, a lone dog hair drifting delicately at the bottom of a clean stove. The barrage of realtors alone could make a nice woman crazy. As shown by Meryl Streep (Aunt Josephine) in A Series of Unfortunate Events. Jude Law narrates (as he should, always):
Take a look in the glass, before you walk through it into Realty Land. Make sure your rose colored specs have a tight grip and bifocal lenses. Take stock of your id and your ego, and be absolutely certain your Freudian slip isn’t showing. Be as tight a ship as you can manage.
(Aside: If you’re a buyer, HGTV’s programming offers contemporary coaching through your unique circumstances. You will find all sorts of cautionary tales there, though most of them have suspiciously happy endings. Also marriage counseling might be a good idea for buyers [it is absolutely necessary for sellers]. Sometimes counseling mitigates complications caused by the whole Adam’s Rib disconnect thing. Venus vs. Mars. But I digress again).
More Later, Dearly Beloveds…
I’m out of words. Literally. I’ve spent well over 500 of them..no….yikes, 600! already, and am even now running the risk of losing your interest if I use more in this post. I’m feeling a little shaky about risk taking at the moment. So I’ll continue with my Extraordinary Cautionary Tale tomorrow, new post. Bracing for Realty’s Alternate Reality. Or some other clever title. But I promise (in my bloggerly way) it will be breath taking