Family Stories

Since Family Stories Are Important….

I just read a NY Times article by Bruce Feiler that re-emphasized (for me) the power in storytelling…particularly  family stories.   Family narratives.

“Narrative” in this context is a fairly new concept to me.  I knew what the word meant, I just didn’t realize my family had one.  And I sometimes forget even that I have one, my very own, my personal narrative.  (My personal narrative is how I explain myself to myself, using a story. Which leads me to a tangent…)

(Tangent:)

Or, if I happened to be the leading character in a badly written but cinematically glowing movie, a personal narrative is how I would explain myself to the prototypical  crowd.  The crowd gathered at the wrecked aftermath of the wedding, funeral, business conference—or high school reunion.  Which happens a lot in movies (at least the badly written ones); in fact, I think it’s formulaic:  the leading character, after behaving very badly for an hour and seventeen minutes, gets to address not only the most important (and most offended) players,  all fortuitiously gathered and attentive in one scene, but she’s also in the spotlight for countless random (and mostly approving) innocent bystanders.  In these circumstances, with all the right witnesses, she explains herself.  Movingly, convincingly, and uninterrupted (her audience is spellbound).  “I’m sorry that I lied and trashed your party but I had a terrible childhood and was jilted by my first love plus I was just sooo confused and didn’t know how to handle love or negotiate disappointment and I was scared too you know which is much worse and besides that I’m very hungry and I never knew til this very moment who I really was and now I’m ready to be true to myself and reach for my dreams because after all that’s what this sort of movie is about.   Please forgive me, if forgiveness is actually relevant now that I’ve completely justified myself.  You can see I’m a good person and deserving of the raise, the job, the man, the award.  Oh, and if you don’t mind, forward your  checks and cash donations to my address in Tuscany. ”  So that the movie ends well for the forgiven (and most importantly, understood) protagonist…with happy unions, increased salaries, and an enthusiastic, well-wishing congregation.

What, then, is a family narrative?  What do I Mean, Family Story?

The answer seems obvious–only made clearer I’m sure by my tangent interlude: A family narrative is how we, as families, explain ourselves to ourselves–and to others, given the details of our histories, a person and event at a time. Knowing that Great Grandma was the best bread maker in town, and that Grandpa and Grandma navigated The Depression does have an impact on how we see–and explain– ourselves.

Not so obvious are the potential benefits of healthy family narratives.

What is a healthy family narrative?  Feiler talks about three kinds of family narratives: ascending, descending, and oscillating.  In very general terms, an ascending family narrative speaks of winnings and grand conquests, of entitlements.  A descending family narrative tells of victimization and bad luck.  But an oscillating narrative, the healthiest story-style, tells the truth about good times and bad; each chapter of the story both leading to the next and allowing for the previous,  ultimately offering the hope that anything can at least be weathered, if it can not be entirely overcome.   It takes into account that often, failure precedes success, and that family members can do hard things.   The benefits of oscillating family narratives:  family members enjoy more self-confidence  and resilience (the ability to cope with and overcome disappointment and setbacks).  Another benefit:  an intergenerational self-concept.  We see ourselves as an integral part of something larger.  We recognize our importance to the group, and their importance to us.  I think too that we have a greater sense of belonging.

I think it’s interesting that healthy family stories aren’t simply about the data…the whats and whens and whos of their histories…they are also about how the story is told, how we see our family in the story. How we interpret what went down. There are so many ways to see–and tell–the same story. Once I complimented a friend for her determination and tenacity, and she answered, very matter of fact: “Well, of course! I’m from a family of strong women!” Knowing her family, I have no doubt she had plenty of anecdotes to back her up.

And that, for now, is all I have to say about that.  I’m a little tired, and I want to go to bed.  I’ll bookmark my place for later.  This post will preface others I’ll be writing this week and in the weeks to come.  This week:  visits  from my brothers–too rare occasions (I want to talk about the men in my family).  Also: vintage snapshots and musings from my grandma’s life.